ALL SHOOK UP
How I Spent Elvis Day

By Corey Levitan

	Elvis Presley's birthday rolled around again on January 8, a 
date that has become more sacred to many Americans than the birthday 
of that what's-his-name first president dude.
	As usual, the media celebrated in a manner as grand as the 
man's size 52 briefs. Elvis was on cable, the radio, the network 
news. Elvis -- as the great prophet Mojo Nixon once predicted -- 
was everywhere.  
	I decided to spend my Elvis Day atoning for the sin of never
watching a single Elvis film in its entirety. 
	Sure, you catch a scene here or there -- a flash of sideburn, a 
song bearing directly on the story. ("We're going to have a clambake!"
Elvis sings before having a clambake.) But then you flip channels to
something more interesting, such as a Nads hair removal commercial. 
	Elvis Presley made 33 movies between 1956 and 1969. My plan was
to watch all of them in one day (which is only slightly tighter than
the schedule by which they were filmed). 
	Hey, by sheer statistical probability, a couple of these 
buggers can't be bad.
	Following is the diary of my experience. In honor of Elvis, I
allowed myself only trips to the bathroom and raids on the kitchen, 
during which I prepared only Elvis-approved meals...

	10:00 a.m.: Hey, Elvis didn't get up at dawn, either. It's raining, 
which suggests that the King approves of my tribute and doesn't want 
me to regret being shut in. I start with "Frankie and Johnny" 
on Cinemax. Although I begin watching a half hour into the movie, I 
have no trouble following -- it's THAT good. Elvis (Johnny) 
plays roulette on a riverboat, almost gets shot by Ellie Mae 
(Frankie) from "The Beverly Hillbillies," then sings about it with 
"M*A*S*H's" Colonel Potter. Elvis Day is off to a fun start.
	11:10 a.m.: Fried peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast. (I don't 
like bananas; Elvis, forgive me.) 
	12:00 noon: Regret breakfast menu choice. Miss some of 1961 
Elvis movie "Wild in the Country" as a result. Elvis understands; 
he's been there himself.
	2:00 p.m.: Cinemax inexplicably shows "Under the Rainbow," 
midget movie with Chevy Chase. On the King's birthday? The 
rain intensifies outside (no rainbow). Elvis is angry! "Chevy 
was all downhill after 'Foul Play,'" I can hear Elvis tell 
me. Luckily, there's an Elvis marathon on TNT. I watch "Elvis: The 
Early Years." 
	3:15 p.m.: While preparing chili tacos for lunch, I note 
phenomenon of Elvis profile in my tortilla shells. Phone "The Weekly 
World News."
	4:00 p.m.: "Clambake" (discussed earlier).
	5:30 p.m.: Elvis dives for buried treasure in "Easy Come, Easy 
Go." I dive for misplaced Alka-Seltzer Plus in bathroom cabinet.
	8:00 p.m.: An evil Elvis twin! In "Kissin' Cousins," Elvis plays 
Josh and (in an incredible display of acting prowess utilizing the
untapped suggestive power of Liberace wigs) his identical cousin Jodie. 
	8:15 p.m.: Phone rings. Resist urge to answer. Resist urge to do 
anything except honor Elvis! 
	8:45 p.m. The secret of life begins to reveal itself in the 
threads I notice running through all Elvis films:  
	1) Elvis usually plays a one-syllable character (Deke or 
Zeke) who's usually in the army although none of the officers ever 
notice how long his hair is compared to everyone else's.
	2) Elvis falls in love with a girl who hates him until he sings
every 11 minutes.  
	3) In a related subplot, Elvis' singing saves the military base 
or the homestead or the world from bad characters who are not
nearly as bad as the actors playing them. 
	4) He does so by singing every 11 minutes.
	9:45 p.m.: First confusing Elvis hallucination. The rain 
plopping against my air conditioner is crooning "baby, baby, baby." 
Dr. Nick, where's my meds?  
	10:12 p.m.: During commercials, TNT interviews old Elvis 
classmate who recalls a prank Elvis once pulled in a movie 
theater. "Elvis thought it would be funny to go downstairs and 
say the theater was on fire," says Paul Dougher. "So he says 
'Fire!' and everyone jumped up and ran to the lobby. Elvis was 
there saying, 'Wait a minute, there's no fire!' We went back up 
to the balcony and laughed, it was so funny."  
	11:00 p.m.: In "The Trouble With Girls" -- which must be one of 
the King's last movies since his po'k chop sideburns flare wide 
enough to greet his nostril hair -- Elvis plays some sort of 
carnival barker. It's hard to follow what's going on anymore. 
It's all a haze of Zekes and Dekes. 
	11:22 p.m.: I'm not sure I can make it a full day. I need 
coffee. I wonder how Elvis took his coffee.
	11:43 p.m.: My eyes throb with squiggly TV lines as Elvis 
hallucinations increase. I suspect that I could actually be Elvis 
without knowing it. I want to shoot my TV and date a 14-year-old virgin. 
	12:11 a.m.: Elvis Day is over. Still, I must continue 
celebrating. I want to mecca to Graceland. I ponder the possibility 
that, not only was Elvis a good actor, but maybe he also wrote some of 
his own songs, maybe those old blues guys stole from him, maybe Elvis 
died of plain ol' heart failure, and maybe that "fire" prank was 
pretty funny. 
	I have done irreparable damage.