By COREY LEVITAN
Right now, 35 people are demanding to see my penis. That is more than have made that demand during my entire lifetime.
“Whip it out!” they’re chanting. “Whip it out!”
Puppetry of the Penis: The Ancient Australian Art of Genital Origami is about to open its first permanent American production since 2002, in Las Vegas at the Erotic Heritage Museum, and it’s auditioning for additional performers from the local talent pool.
Launched Down Under (i.e. Australia) in 1998, the show features two male performers publicly subjecting their privates to balloon-animal contortions. I’m gathered with eight other men who are under the impression that they will be paid $1,500 a week if chosen.
They include Sean, who just moved to Las Vegas from Arizona this very morning. He unpacked at his apartment and this is his second job interview today. The first was for science presenter at the Lied Discovery Children’s Museum, where whipping out your penis would probably have been frowned upon.
“I showed up today answering an ad to be an usher,” Sean says. “And they told me they wanted me to audition. I had no idea, but I need a job, so…”
Co-founder Simon Morley offered us a quick refresher course before the auditions, which the audience also got to watch. But I already tried a few “dick tricks” at home last night, having viewed them online after making sure my wife wasn’t around.
And all I’m comfortable reporting is that they are extremely painful to even attempt incorrectly.
They include the Hamburger (twisting your entire package so that the balls are the buns to your shaft), the Hot Dog (which, believe it or not, is a different move), the Baby Bird (much more challenging for the circumcised), and the Windsurfer (in which the scrotal skin is so bizarrely overextended, the performer is propelled forward on a skateboard while blown by the blades of a giant fan).
“The penis is the most beautiful part of the anatomy,” says show co-founder Simon Morley. “There’s too much shame attached to it. And this show makes a mockery of that, as it should.”
I came prepared with a penis costume I fully intended to remove if the vibe felt right. It’s a little Kilroy Was Here g-string with googly eyes I received as a gag gift once. And, let me tell you, the idea of auditioning naked and the reality are two distinctly different entities—especially after you discover that your audition will be witnessed by an audience of strangers with cameras.
“C’mon, mate, let’s see it!” Morley demands as the chanting intensifies.
Joey Ray is a porn star. Millions have viewed his penis already, in films such as Monster Dicks for Young Chicks and There Will Be Cum 3. And it’s quite a nice penis, to be honest.
Ray’s Hamburger and Hot Dog are exemplary, as is his Windsurfer. I obviously could not have competed. However, that would have been funny—like the SNL skit where Patrick Swayze competed to be a Chippendale against Chris Farley.
I’m just not the hugest fan of having my birthday suit be the first image that comes up whenever a future employer Googles me.
Even though I did trim the night before, I managed to resist the peer pressure in a way that would have made Mr. Hendler, my middle-school health teacher, proud. The g-string remained as the chants ceased and I exited stage right.
Ah, who am I kidding? As an Internet journalist who writes extensively about his penis, there are no future employers Googling me.